Crossroad Women and Family Services, Inc.
Post Office Box 2421, Kingston, NY 12402
How domestic violence affects children
Did you know that children can be deeply impacted by violence? When a child is exposed to fighting, screaming and yelling is it traumatizing and leaves emotional, mental, spiritual wounds. When family violence is taking place in a home environment it makes a child's world feel hopeless and helpless. Their hearts are broken and need healing.
IMAGINE seeing someone you love hit, kicked, punched, strangled and stomped by a person you love and thought loved your family member. Family violence is confusing for a child and it makes them feel "unsafe" "unloved" "scared" "anxious" "depressed" "overly compliant". It causes a child to have nightmares, stomach aches, poor eating habits. Bed wetting, problems in school, difficulty with learning and concentration due to worrying about loved ones. Children exposed to domestic violence have difficulty making friends or keeping friends. They tend to run away or stay away from home, get involved with drugs, alcohol, gangs, unhealthy sexual relationships and risk pregnancy early.
They struggle with feelings of rejection and isolation. The violence is often expressed in their artwork, writings and music. They tend to have a history of disciplinary problems, expulsions, and chronic school absences. Sometimes they have trouble sleeping at night and have a hard time staying awake in class during the day. Sometimes they have a love/hate relationship with the parent that perpetrates the violence and the parent that tolerates the abuse.
Sometimes a child will blame himself or herself for the violence taking place. Nevertheless, children learn from what they are exposed to. If they see it or hear it they are being trained to believe it's the right thing to do. Parents, siblings, and other family members are the first examples. For example, if a boy is repeatedly exposed to his father, step-father, brother, uncles or boyfriend beating his mom he will think it's OK. He is at risk of physically abusing his sister. When his mom beats him for hitting his sister he will become angry and confused. He learned how to engage in violence, aggression, uncontrolled anger and victimization while witnessing the abuse of his mother.
It's never too late to break the cycle of domestic and family violence. It's never just the victim of abuse that's impacted. Exposure to violence, neglect, abuse by someone you know, love and should have been able to trust leaves emotional, spiritual, physical, social, financial, sexual wounds. While we can't undo anything that took place in our past we can work to right the wrongs. We can learn to listen. We can make help restore lives. We can make a difference.
If you or your child is in need of anger management, behavioral health, addiction or divorce recovery support contact us for a consultation. Please fill out the contact form and Customer Care will be in touch. Thank you.
Building a Healthy Marriage
The key to having a healthy and happy family is a healthy marriage. Today as we look at the state of marriages we wonder if having a healthy and happy family is possible. Let's explore first-time marriages.
Studies reveal the average age for men is 26 and the average age for women is 24. According to Dr. H. Norman Wright, almost half of first-time marriages fail. Let's look at four principle reasons why some first-time marriages
fail. One reason is that some people do not understand stages in their individual development and are therefore less likely to think about how this can impact a marital relationship.
The second reason is that not every person had an adequate basis upon which to build their personal identity. In other words if personal identity, development and beliefs are unhealthy, negative or key relationships were problematic this creates the risk for later in life problems.
A third reason some marriages fail is because some people enter marriage with unresolved issues such as growing up in a dysfunctional family, traumatic childhood experiences, foster care and child welfare, alcoholism and substance abuse issues, undiagnosed mental illness, and marriage problems of their parents or caretakers.
Lastly, some marriages were dissolved because the couple were unprepared for the marriage and their expectations of each other, marriage and family were unrealistic. Today, marriage and family counseling and support is available.
Studies show about 80% of married couples struggle with the inability to communicate. One of the most important investments some couples make for their marriage is pre-marital counseling, couples coaching and biblical mentoring.
What topics are explored? Understand the purpose of marriage, effective communication, conflict resolution, healing childhood hurts, boundaries, overcoming your parents divorce, financial crisis intervention, sexuality, parenting and spiritual wholeness can be explored in pre-marital counseling as well as ongoing marriage coaching.
As author and speaker, Dr. Gary Smalley notes in, Love Is A Decision, by Gary Smalley and John Trent, "Deep-seated problems don't vanish instantly without consistent work by the couple and relying on God's strength for daily endurance". Having a healthy and happy marriage takes work. A healthy marriage is the key to a healthy family.
Does having good relationships take work? Yes, and there are couples doing their interpersonal and marriage work.
Every relationship experiences some conflict. Dr. Wright shares10 key strategies for coping with conflict.
1. Don't avoid conflict with the silent treatment.
2. Don't save emotional trading stamps.
3. If possible, prepare the setting for the disagreement.
4. Attack the problem, not each other.
5. Don't throw feelings like stones.
6. Stay on the subject.
7. Offer solutions with your criticisms.
8. Never say, "You never.."
9. Don't manipulate your mate.
10. Be humble; you could be wrong.
Larry and Nordis Christenson in their book, The Christian Couple, offers this insight: "Healing does not come from the outside. It comes from within the one who has been hurt. A doctor may set a broken arm and put it in a cast, but the power to mend the bone is released from within the person's own body".
By diligently seeking to learn how to improve conflict -resolution skills, fertile soil is plowed that will ultimately provide a seed bed for effective, healing communication in a marriage. These communication skills can also serve as tools to greatly enhance the couple's parenting skills and abilities. If you're interested exploring how to have a happy and healthy marriage through pre-marital counseling, couple's bible study or marriage coaching contact us today!
Healing Beyond Childhood Trauma
Did you know that most people in the US have at least one ACE? ACE's are adverse childhood experiences that not only causes harm to the brain of children it changes they way they respond to the stresses of life, compromises their immune systems and causes other chronic health conditions over their lifetime. According to a CDC Kaiser Permanente ACE Study childhood trauma and ACE places people at risk for depression, chronic diseases, mental illness, financial problems, social problems and becoming a victim of violence and sexual crimes.
Other ACE surveys have expanded the types of ACE's and those findings while not surprising are also noted below. Below are traumatic experiences linked to social, financial, mental, emotional and physical problems.
1. A family member who is diagnosed with a mental illness or depressed.
2. Witnessing a mother being abused.
3.A family member who is addicted to drugs or alcohol.
4. Physical, sexual and verbal abuse.
5. A family member who is in prison.
6. Parental separation or divorce.
7. Physical or emotional neglect.
8. Living in an unsafe neighborhood.
9. Experiencing or witnessing racism.
10. Witnessing violence outside of the home.
11. Involvement with the foster care system.
12. Losing a family member due to deportation.
13. Witnessing a father being abused by a mother.
14.Living in a war zone.
15.Being bullied by a peer or adult.
If you have one or more ACE's you are not alone. Research shows that nearly two-third of adults have at least one. Additionally, the scores are even more revealing. For example people with an ACE score of 4 are twice as likely to smoke and seven times more likely to struggle with alcoholism addiction. Additionally, a score of 4 or more is likely to increase the risk of chronic diseases such as emphysema or chronic bronchitis by 400 percent, while also increasing the risk for attempted suicide by 1200. ACE's is also linked to chronic workplace absenteeism, ER visits, mental illness, criminal justice involvement and increased healthcare costs.
The higher the ACE score the more likely it is that people with these scores have more marriages, violence, drug prescriptions, increased risk for broken bones, greater struggles with depression and autoimmune diseases. Studies show that the life span of individuals with an ACE score 6 or higher are at risk for being shortened by 20 years.
The impact of childhood traumatic experiences doesn't just go away as people age. Rather, what a person has lived through directly or indirectly leaves bits and pieces. Harmful traces of the past that keeps showing up has the ability to be passed down from one generation to the next causing generational cycles of unhealed trauma and strongholds.
While the brain does not know the difference between one kind of traumatic experienced and toxic stress from the other we are not stuck with stressed out brains, painful memories, chronic diseases, mental illness or substance abuse.
It's essential that people receive an effective diagnosis from an effective team of caring medical professionals who can create qualified treatment plan so the journey to healing and recovery can begin.
Wishing you health and wellness,
Patrina M Torres, Founder, Totally Healed International
NCCA Certified Temperament Counselor, Certified Instructor
School of Counseling, S.A.C.C. Certified Academic Institution
Email: [email protected]
|Posted on April 4, 2016 at 1:31 PM||comments (0)|
When the eyes of our understanding are being opened something happens. The wisdom, revelation and insight I received helped me break free from pain of my past. Whenever you experience a life-changing breakthrough you ask yourself two questions.
1.Why didn't anybody tell me this?
2. Who else needs this truth?
Are you a survivor? You're not alone. There are over 39 Million men and women survivors of child sexual abuse in America today. Many of us have suffered in silence for years. Many Christians sit in service after service feeling stuck and don't know why.
In 2004 I wrote the book Still Scarred, Totally Healed: Opening Your Heart and Mind to God's Healing of Past Hurts to deliver hope, help and healing to the hearts of survivors of sexual abuse.
You don't have to perish for a lack of knowledge. Many people are hard on themselves due to a lack of truth. If you are a believer who have been sexually violated GOD loves you. He wants to heal every broken place. Your STORY matters to HIM.
If you're reading this post and don't have a relationship with the Lord your past hurts doesn't have to prevent you from having a great future. God has a good plan for your life. He hates evil. He LOVES you and will right the wrongs. Countless individuals and families have been devastated by sexual abuse, incest, rape, human trafficking. For many the abuse started during childhood years. Sexual abuse leaves clues.
Ask yourself the following questions.
Have you ever felt like a hypocrite?
Do you think of yourself as a phony or a failure?
Do you find yourself doing things Christians should do but can't seem to get it right?
Are there people around you that seem to have a rich, satisfying and vibrant relationship with Christ but you can't seem to touch him or feel anything at all?
Have you forced yourself to forget painful things?
Have you pretended something didn't happen when it did?
Do you believe if no one else knew it didn't matter?
What do you see when when you look into the mirror?
Are you haunted by memories from the past?
Unhealed memories of childhood sexual, verbal, mental and psychological abuse, rape, incest or domestic violence leaves invisible painful scars. Open wounds can be infected.
If you scratch an unhealed wound it may bleeding. If you or someone you know have suffered in silence the wounding in your soul can be healed. Unprocessed date hidden in the file cabinet of your mind can be worked through and a new chapter can begin.
The GOOD NEWS is new programming of the mind produces a new perspective. A changed mind leads to changed actions and a changed life. If you have been wounded during your early childhood years but have not dealt with the reality of your past there is a road to recovery. You don't have to journey alone. You can LIVE again, LAUGH again, LOVE again and DREAM again.
Would you like to speak with a prayer minister or pastoral counselor? Please send an email to [email protected]
Wishing you holistic prosperity!
Patrina M Torres
|Posted on April 2, 2016 at 2:20 PM||comments (0)|
One Saturday in 2004 while sitting in class at the New York Theological Seminary I heard a voice. One may refer to it as having had a “GOD” moment or hearing a Word from the Lord.
Either way, there was no doubt in my mind that I was having an encounter with a very real God. I wasn't dreaming and there was no reason for me to think that it was my imagination. God really does speak but when he does it's up to us to recognize His voice.
My professor was sitting right in front of me lecturing. I maintained eye contact with her as she spoke, but I realized that I was hearing a still small voice. The moment God begin to speak I picked up my pen I begin to write as fast as I could because I didn't want to miss anything He had to say. In a gentle voice this is what the Spirit of God said to me, “Don't you dare sell another copy of your book until you re-write it. I want you to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. What good is it that you are telling My people you are totally healed but you have not shared what scarred you in the first place? If you don't go back and re-write your book you are doing a disservice to My people".
With fear and trembling I put my pen down. For a moment I just sat there. A friend whom I've known for a few years was sitting next to me. I wanted to tell her what had just happened and wondered if she also heard what I just heard. But I was too embarrassed to say anything.
I thought that she would probably think that I was crazy so I kept it to myself. God definitely had my attention and at that moment I resolved not to sell another copy of my book, “Still Scarred, Totally Healed: Opening Your Heart and Mind to God's Healing of Past Hurts”.
As an act of obedience I wrote a second edition of the book. Working on the manuscript helped me in both practical and spiritual ways. Revisiting the miracles God performed and continues to do in our midst was awesome. Whenever you think about personal encounters with a true and living God your faith increases. I experienced many challenges, opposition and adversities while working on the book but I overcame them all. There is a word of healing and restoration for broken hearts in the book.
God loves you so much that he told me if I didn't re-write it I would be doing a disservice to you. I just believe he's going to do a healing work in your life. It's not about me. It's about your destiny. We serve a mighty big God who is able to do exceedingly more than you could ever think.
It's your time and your season to be healed, blessed, restored, liberated, empowered, comforted, renewed, strengthened, encouraged and made whole in every area of your life.
Wishing you good health, wellness and success!
Patrina M Wright
|Posted on April 2, 2016 at 2:15 PM||comments (148)|
Welcome! Thank you for visiting“30 Days of Healing” blog. Before we start our journey wanted to take an opportunity to introduce myself. My name is Patrina M Wright, I serve as the Executive Director of Crossroad Women and Family Services, Inc. a faith-based non-profit community-based organization birthed out of my passion to empower women to break the cycle of abuse, poverty and homelessness through education, employment, entrepreneurship, family support and mentoring.
A lover of Jesus and true worshiper I also am an adult survivor of child sexual abuse and attempted campus rape which led to destructive relationships. Today, however I stand as MORE than a survivor.
I am an journalist, author, conference speaker, TV host, certified temperament counselor, licensed minister of pastoral counseling and abuse prevention trainer.
I have birthed books out of personal pain, turned my pain into testimonies and discovered my purpose.
These tools Still Scarred, Totally Healed: Opening Your Heart and Mind to God's Healing of Past Hurts and The Exodus Breaking Cycles and Changing Lives: Repositioning Your Soul to Thrive After Domestic Violence are delivering my testimony of God's love, grace, healing and restoration.
I have the support of a loving family and have been blessed to be the mother of one adult daughter, two school aged teens and grand-mother. I am the daughter of Bishop James D. Wright, Sr and Pastor Margaret Wright, the fourth child of six children.
My volunteerism includes serving as an Advisory Board Member for the North Carolina Juvenile Justice Crime Prevention Council, Chaplain, Advisory Board Member and Peer Group Leader for the Columbus County Teen Court Program and Chaplain for Columbus County Regional Hospital. I have humbly received awards for my service and leadership in the community and will forever be grateful.
I am blessed with spiritual parents, mentors, coaches and counselors. I am a Global School of Ministry Advanced Master Class 2013 alumni, ordained minister and intercessory prayer minister. I serve as the New Jersey State President of the International Minister's Fellowship and Bible Instructor for the New Jersey Chapter of the Global School of Ministry Bible Training and Leadership Development Center, a new chapter I am helping to establish in Hudson County.
As you visit the 30 Days of Healing blog it is my earnest prayer your heart will experience healing, your mind will be changed and your life will be transformed. There is healing for every place that hurts.
There is healing in the life-changing living word. If you believe miracles, signs and wonders will follow!!
Wishing you good health, wellness and success!
|Posted on April 2, 2016 at 1:59 PM||comments (0)|
On Friday April 1, 2016 the Holy Spirit begin speaking to me. This is what He impressed upon my heart and in my spirit. For the next 30 days I am to write a blog focused on “30 Days of Healing”. The month of April is to survivors of child abuse what October is to survivors of cancer and family violence.
While there has been a great awakening on the issue of child sexual abuse the number of cases are
still alarming. April is the month child abuse prevention, awareness education and healing is promoted.
We're grateful for organizations, survivors, businesses, public officials, advocates and churches engaging communities through presentations, workshops, vigils, prayer walks and others gatherings.
We must not NEVER give up the fight to keep our families and communities safe, protect the innocence of our children and deliver a message of hope, help and healing to survivors of child sexual abuse.
Today is Saturday, April 2, 2016 and I am personally inviting you to the “30 Days of Healing” blog. I look forward to sharing words of hope, inspiration, encouragement, healing and restoration.
Chances are you, or someone you know have experienced been exposed to child abuse. Statistics tell us that there are over 39 million adult survivors of child sexual abuse in America today.
Chances are you or someone you know have experienced sexual victimization during the early years of life. Share this blog with family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, educators, youth workers, college students, business leaders, pediatricians, lawyers, doctors, social workers.
Chances are the people you know have also come in contact with individuals or families who may benefit from “30 Days of Healing” blog posts.
Over the next 30 days I will also share excerpts and healing prayers from my book, "Still Scarred, Totally Healed: Opening your heart and mind to God's healing of past hurts".
Do you have a healing story to share? Please leave us a comment. We'd love to connect with you. If you have any questions you may also email me at [email protected]
Wishing you good health, wellness and success!
|Posted on August 10, 2015 at 4:16 PM||comments (100)|
If infidelity is ripping you and your marriage apart, please read this email from Dr. Bob Huizenga, a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in infidelity.
Hello it's Dr. Bob Huizenga here,
Do you feel awful, I mean a gut wrenching, basket case awful?
Have you ever thought about that? What makes the pain of infidelity at moments seemingly unbearable?
My contact with thousands says: You feel gut-wrenchingly awful because you believe:
*You've lost it all >>> s/he's found it
*You're a loser >>> someone else won, stole from me
*You're helpless/miserable >>> s/he has an exciting wonderful life
*You're loveless and sexless >>> s/he's in love and having great sex
*You're doomed to loneliness >>> s/he's passionately intimate with someone else
Have you ever noticed that when deep in thought, ruminating on one or more of the above, you feel your worst?
You can stop the feelings and get on the right track sooner than you think.
That’s one reason why I wrote “Break Free From the Affair:” to get and keep those suffering from infidelity on track.
Click here for more information on my ebook: https://lv130.isrefer.com/go/Brkfreehome/restoringthefamily
I want you to know that these thoughts which germinate the awful feelings are distortions. These thoughts and beliefs about you, the infidelity and marriage are NOT based on reality.
I'm in the process of reflecting on why some of my work has such a life-changing impact. (Just 5 minutes ago I received an email which to the word said, "Your e-book is not only helpful, but life-changing.")
OK, I say. Wonderful. But why? Where is its power?
Here's what I do best. I help you clean up the distortions and see reality.
To clean up your distortions, to eradicate your emotional pain and to propel you on the right path of recovery, I help you make 4 critical, underlying, subtle yet powerful shifts.
(And, I also explain thoroughly the motives, origin and typical length of my 7 types of affairs. Again, this link will be helpful: https://lv130.isrefer.com/go/Brkfreehome/restoringthefamily )
But first, let's look at the crux of the problem: You must fight against 2 powerful tides of influence to overcome your distortions and pain.
Problem #1: Movies, TV, novels, celebrities, tabloids and media in general convey at a subtle level that infidelity is cool. Infidelity is where it's at if you want excitement and passion in life. Infidelity is encouraged!
Oh sure, I know religious leaders and politicians rant against the evil of infidelity. But guess what? Their track record is not that great when it comes to abstaining.
Remember, you were subtly taught at your most impressionable times, that in reality, infidelity holds power and excitement that you won't find anywhere else.
Problem #2: Most know diddly squat about infidelity.
Family and friends, especially those who have not experienced infidelity are clueless, give banal advice or avoid you and the topic like a plague. Or they come with moralistic platitudes or the knee jerk reaction of quick simplistic advice because they are not comfortable with your pain.
Here's one of the hugest misunderstanding: Infidelity is the result of something terribly wrong with the marriage.
This "Marriage made me do it" excuse is bogus. Show me a perfect marriage and I will show you two people utterly bored with each other and/or part of the living dead.
Also, many in the professional healing community know little about the complexity of infidelity.
I can speak to that. I'm part of that community. I've been licensed in private practice since 1981 with over 45,000 hours of direct client contact. I've jumped through all the professional hoops and have served on the State of Michigan Board for the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.
My training had zilch when it came to understanding infidelity. My expertise came as a result of my own personal research, study and clinical experience.
Here's a common scenario: infidelity is discovered and marriage counseling is arranged. Countless wounded spouses have reported to me that one of the strategies of therapy was to find out what was wrong with the marriage (basically, what's wrong with you, wounded spouse? What WEREN'T you doing?)
So the cheating spouse punches you in the gut with infidelity and then the therapist slaps you across the face with, "What's wrong with YOU?"
Absolutely, unequivocally CRAZY!
Later I will explain in DETAIL, WHY that is CRAZY!
Click here: https://lv130.isrefer.com/go/Brkfreehome/restoringthefamily
Infidelity is an Act of Temporary Insanity
To remove yourself from this insanity, its craziness and its pain, you must make these 4 shifts:
From it's my problem to >>> it's his/her problem
From I'm losing all to >>> they are losing all
From infidelity means loving someone else to >>>infidelity has absolutely nothing to do with love
From what did I do wrong to >>> the marriage is not the problem
I will make infidelity crystal clear and in that process the shifts will happen.
Continue to work with me. Stick with me. We'll continue to reshape thinking (and feelings) about infidelity.
Click here: https://lv130.isrefer.com/go/Brkfreehome/restoringthefamily
Dr. Bob Huizenga
|Posted on August 7, 2015 at 4:18 PM||comments (19)|
I would like to introduce you to Dr. Bob Huizenga, a Marriage and Family Therapist and colleague who specializes in working with couples dealing with the infidelity. The pain of infidelity is deep.While every situation is unique because no two people are the same hope, help and healing is necessary for a BREAKTHROUGH . If you or someone you know is going through marital challenges, please feel free to share this article. We want you to know that hope, help and healing is available.
Here's Dr. Huizenga Article:
Infidelity changes one's life - dramatically. Infidelity and an extramarital affair change the flow and course of a marriage or relationship - dramatically.
And, the changes brought about by infidelity differ from person to person and couple to couple, depending on strengths, coping patterns, history, temperament and other factors for the person
and the relationship, including which of 7 types of affairs is operative.
To learn more about the 7 types of affairs go to:
Let's look at some of those changes and think about getting HELP!
It is extremely common to hear from my coaching clients: "I NEVER thought this would happen to me (us.) A great number of people, at some point in the beginning of the relationship agree that it will never happen to them. At that point, it's beyond their realm of possibility.
And, so expectations are built and entrenched in concrete. Their picture of their relationship excludes even the remote possibility of one person "straying."
And when marital affairs happen, worlds (expectations) are shattered and many wonder what is left.
Case study #1:
Most of what I think about now and spend most of my time thinking about is...Why? How could he do this to me? To us? I NEVER EVER thought this would happen!
On rough days, unfortunately which is still most days, I feel like a failure. A worthless fool. I had always felt I/we knew what our life was and where I/we wanted to go in our life together. Now there are times when I feel our whole life together was a lie. I'm afraid I will spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder and never really letting him in again. Although we are trying to put his affair behind us I don't know if we will ever get back even close to what we had, or should I say what I thought we had.
Then there is the sexual tension created by the affair. And, the almost inevitable sexual comparison with the other person. If sex has been a focal point of the affair, the comparison takes on a new life.
Case Study #2:
The EXTREMELY LURID nature of my wife's affair has left me with a shattered self esteem and trust is
out of the question. Even though we've reconciled and she has been in intense treatment with a therapist, I have a very difficult time becoming intimate. The other person is still on my mind 8 months later and resentment still runs very deep. I keep thinking about the signs of cheating. I still feel I'm living a nightmare, hoping at any moment, I'll wake up.
To discover the secret to ending your emotional pain triggered by the affair, go to:
Case Study #3:
I feel like I'm being judged by my performance in bed by how she was with him. She was 17 yrs younger than me so my appearance is being critiqued in my head and compared to how she looks. I'm afraid if I don't do what he wants he'll walk out again always scared he's secretly still seeing her or thinking about her when we are intimate.
Infidelity changes the "contract" or rules of engagement for the marriage or relationship.
When we initiate a relationship we consciously but mostly unconsciously "agree" to particular roles, responsibilities, actions and ways of responding to each other and circumstances.
Marriages move along for a period of time and they work. Both follow through on what they agreed upon at the onset of the marriage.
The strengths of each are honored and used in the relationships. The weaknesses of each are either ignored or seen as a point of amusement.
In the following case study, the woman assumed the "responsible" role in the relationship. She most often was the glue that held relationship together.
She initiated and followed through on necessary conversations and took the lead in problem solving.
He, on the other hand, was most likely a fun person to be with. He probably knew how to play well and she admired that characteristic and complimented her "responsible" part.
And then the signs of adultery.
The relationship is feeling the strain of her changing the roles. She wants to move out of her old role. But the tension of that movement is intense. It appears he is clueless about these changes and prefers to go back to the way it was.
Case Study #4:
I feel betrayed and punished for asking my husband something he does not want to give (attention and responsibility). I don't want to tell him everything I do. I don't want to be the reliable one anymore. He is much more attentive but I don't see him as I did before. I know he's a good person and just "can't say no" but I lost admiration for him.
As I work at home, after a year I have decided to try to go out more and try to meet other people. I attend networking meetings for my business. This is nice. I try to do more things for myself. I also try to look my best when we are together. I often get depressed because he doesn't want to talk about the problem, and I am afraid he is still with the other person since he works in NY and I am in Europe. But I don't see myself with another person. I still love him and sometimes I feel bad for not being able to leave him.
Infidelity, whether is be emotional, sexual or internet cheating disrupts, no, it's more like throws a hammer into, the marriage or relationship.
Infidelity in a marriage or relationship demands that new structures, new rules, new ways of thinking and acting with each other be initiated.
Of course there is tension in the process. (Gold is refined through intense heat.)
But, there are also huge possibilities for redesign and a new configuration for one's inner life and life together.
For more information on how to deal with your infidelity pain and go to:
Wishing you the best,
|Posted on August 3, 2015 at 3:05 PM||comments (126)|
Where does your pain, agony and feeling of devastation come from?
From your cheating spouse, correct?
Your spouse’s betrayal is a HUGE, GIGANTIC-beyond-belief trigger.
But, let’s peel back the layers of pain and see from where that poison springs.
Here’s what those in your situation commonly think:
Your pain and devastation seeps from your belief that you are not only defective but you are the CAUSE of the affair!
There seems to be nothing left of you (at least something that has value.)
Allow me to interrupt.
95% of the wounded spouses I work with come to me believing most of the above about themselves.
But, those beliefs are downright lies and misconceptions.
You did not CAUSE from lack or mistakes the affair.
Your spouse’s affair was their decision and had absolutely nothing to do with your value - even though they might blame you or the marriage for their betrayal.
Your spouse’s affair had everything to do with their conflicted and ailing internal and mental state.
So, what do you do to alleviate your pain and devastation?
The first step is getting a grasp on what it was that triggered within your spouse the affair.
You must understand and acknowledge THEIR problem.
Then you are free to more effectively address the affair and relationship.
Dr. Huizenga has researched and specialized in infidelity and helped thousands as a Marriage and Family Therapist.
His research has uncovered 7 different types of affairs (and none of them have to do with your lack or mistakes.)
These 7 types help you understand the profound, true and REAL reasons for the affair.
Once you understand the type of internal motor that fuels your spouse’s behavior two wonderful things happen: you feel better (hey, this is NOT my problem) and you begin to formulate new ways to confront the infidelity.
Right now he’s offering you the FREE “7 Types of Affairs Cheat Sheet,” a solid beginning point to identify which type of affair best fits your circumstances and the patterns of your spouse..
This Cheat Sheet introduces you to a new world of understanding infidelity that flies in the face of much conventional advice.
Get on the right track now.
Feel better. Understand. Feel the pain evaporate.
Wishing you the best,
P.S. Dr. Huizenga gives away a number of free beginning points for infidelity recovery. However, his offers have a time frame. He will promote a free offer for a period of time, remove it and focus on another. So, if you want the “7 Types of Affairs Cheat Sheet” get it now.
P.S. Remember, it’s FREE! What do you have to lose?
|Posted on July 17, 2015 at 4:59 PM||comments (103)|
The following post was taken from Chapter #8 in my book, "The Exodus Breaking Cycles and Changing Lives: Repositioning Your Soul to THRIVE After Domestic Violence'. I hope that you enjoy!
Domestic Violence Only Delayed Your Destiny
I believe that you are reading this book because you were destined to read it. How you received a copy really isn't the issue. Before you were born God knew you. He also knew that you would be at this particular place and time in your life. Our days are number and what's going to take place in our lives
has already taken place in the spiritual realm. Everyday that we awaken we walk in that manifestation.
You have the power of choice on your side. The only thing that can stop your divine destiny is you.
You must be careful about who you allow in your life. Your life is sacred. Everyone doesn't belong in your space. Be mindful of what you are connected to as well as who you are connected with. You behold what you become.
God is calling you to a different place and time. It's time to prepare now for what has already been planned for you. You are in transition. Something is always happening. Domestic violence causes all trypes of losses. Although loss creates setbacks one of the greatest life lessons that you will ever learn about setbacks is that a temporary setback can be a set-up for a PERMANENT comeback.
It's all in how you look at it. Most often when we experience a setback we have a pity-party. I'm not suggesting that you become numb or live in denial. Do what you have to do in your process but at the same time allow yourself to see things from another perspective.
If truth be told a setback can help you realize where you went wrong. During a setback it's important to take time to reflect, reassess and strategize. You see a setback is an opportunity to get off the losing team and join the winning team. A setback helps you to stop the madness and make a U-turn. It can cause you to get off the roller coaster ride and do the right things for the right reasons this time around.
Change your perspective about your setback. The Bible says that God will cause all things to work out for you. If you refuse to be stuck in your yesterday your tomorrow will be a better day. You really can say hello to your tomorrow today. But you must choose to make a comeback. You have to have a bounce back spirit.
I'm not suggesting that everything will immediately fall into place. Bouncing back takes time. But if you have the right mindset while you're making a comeback you won't fall apart when something doesn't work out the way you think it should. If you do just get back up and dust yourself off again. I just want you to understand that making a comeback is a process so that you won't ABORT the process.
Choose to learn from your setbacks. What can you learn? You can learn about growth and development. You can learn when it's time for a change. You can learn how to deal with the root causes of your past. You can learn how to heal. You can learn how to begin again. You can learn how to forgive. You can learn how to make everyday count. You can learn how to love your children.
You can learn how to love yourself. You can learn how to love God. You can learn how to pray for your enemies. You can learn how to plan. You can learn how to ask for what you need. You can lean that you never want to stop learning because learning causes growth. Anything that's not growing is dying. You can learn how to take responsibility. You can learn how to move forward.
You can learn how to thrive. You can learn how to encourage yourself. You can learn how to silence those voices of failure in your head. You can learn how to read the Word of God. How to seek out the truth, how to reject lies, how to live again, how to laugh again, how to love again, how to dream again. You can learn how to be whole again. You can learn that it was only a delay.
Everything that you need to make it through this trial is lying dormant within you waiting to be birthed.
It takes certain kinds of trials to bring forth that which was place in us by Almighty God. He knows what it's going to take to get you where you need to be.
We'd love to hear from you. Did this post resonate with you? Leave a comment, thought or simply say hello. Do you know someone who has experienced intimate partner violence? Invite them to visit this website. Share this blog with your friend, relative, co-worker, or neighbors. Spread the word.
Until Next Time,
|Posted on July 8, 2015 at 9:21 AM||comments (0)|
Have you ever taken the opportunity to sit down and talk with someone? Not about what they do but about who they are. Not about their wins, but what they feel they've loss and can never get back. There are many athletes who are winning on the field, but it seems that they're losing off the field. Many times we forget that athletes wasn't born playing sports. They are REAL PEOPLE.
They hurt, they bleed and they cry. Many young men have been hurt within their families. Hurt by the father they never knew. Hurt by the father who said he was coming and never showed up. Hurt by the father who told him he'd never be anything, called him a worthless loser and made him feel like he should have never been born. Some of athletes have been hurt physically by men- who wasn't their fathers.
Men who issued discipline but didn't want a relationship. Some witnessed violence in their home.
They say their mother's being beaten for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Some mothers were beat early in the morning and when their children returned home from school there was always a fear that any moment rage and violence could erupt.
IMAGINE being a child feeling hopeless and helpless because you can't be the protector everyone said you need to be since daddy left the family. IMAGINE living life on the run, not having a place to call your own, moving several times due to violence. Adjusting to new neighborhoods and schools. Trying to make new friends but not allowed to invite them to your home because of the low-income area you lived in.
IMAGINE being a male child and wanting to protect your mother from violent but not being able to intervene because mama didn't want you to get hurt. She knew that that her man wasn't too fond of children, but she stayed with him anyway.
IMAGINE not understanding why the family just couldn't leave and REALLY start over again. IMAGINE always hearing "No" and being angry that you had to stay. Not having enough food or basic needs met.
While not every athlete can testify to these issues some can. Perhaps, no one has had the time to sit down and listen to their stories. And rather than exploit them seek to provide hope, help and healing.
Would you agree that some of our athletes are hurting? How can we stop the bleeding hearts?
The pain of the past can torment a person. It can produce low self-esteem, insecurity, anger, violence, substance abuse, imprisonment, identity theft and arrested childhood development. If there is no healing it can become a way of life and pattern. While violence, poverty, broken families, absentee father, drug addiction etc. may have been part of ones past history it doesn't have to be part of the future.
If what we're doing today has the power to negatively impact and destroy our tomorrow we must find another way. Choose to identify where we are, understand what the needs are and determine which options can best facilitate healing from the inside out, forgiveness and reconciliation within ourselves.
The power of healing from within is that it makes us whole. It causes us to ask for forgiveness from those we may have hurt along the way and be willing to forgive those who hurt us as well.
|Posted on July 2, 2015 at 7:13 PM||comments (99)|
If you've ever seen a young lady on the street and thought, "Wow I'd really like to talk to her" but you didn't follow through or you didn't go up and introduce yourself you may have had a few of the normal
"what would have, could have or should have" thoughts racing through your head.
If you've ever found yourself stopped short when it comes to relationships or approaching a woman you find interesting OR if you're ever had the courage to go up and introduce yourself and it just didn't work out perhaps I can help. See, when it comes to dating or approaching women like everything else in life there is a right way and a way that SEEMS right, yet it doesn't bring results we truly desire. At that point we end up settling.
But there is hope so don't give up. You can find relationship success you're looking for. You can become the kind of man that can naturally a woman. You can be genuine and have a interesting conversation. You can feel confident and comfortable in your approach. You can invite her out on a date.
And ultimately you CAN have the kind of low-stress and fulfilling relationship with the kind of woman you REALLY want that could potentially lead to MARRIAGE!!!
HOW do I know? Men are finding the WOMAN of their DREAMS every single day. The LOVE you're looking for is also waiting for you. Have you ever heard of, "When a man finds a WIFE?" There is a WOMAN being prepared right NOW perhaps in another town, city, state to become your wife. She could be right in your MIDST but you just didn't know it.
In order to help I've decided to have personal one-on-one sessions with a few of my blog readers over the next couple of weeks. We probably won't be able to work with everybody, but the sooner you request your session the more likely you are to be scheduled.
This coaching session is called "Improve Your Confidence with Women Coaching Session". During the "Improve Your Confidence with Women Coaching Session" we will work together to....
To get your "Improve Your Confidence With Women Coaching Session" today, simply send an email and and please ANSWER the following questions:
1. How long have you been single?
2. Have you ever been married?
3. On a scale of 0 to 10 how important is getting this area of life in alignment with other areas?
4.. What do you see as your biggest challenge with women and dating?
5. What has been greatest relationship success to date?
6. When would be the BEST time to have your 30- Minute session?
Send your reply to [email protected]
Be sure to include your name and number so we can send you a text of give you a call and get you scheduled for this special 30-minute, "Improve Your Confidence with Women Coaching Session" today.
We're excited and hope to hear from you soon!
To Your Success,
The Crossroad Team