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Crossroad Women and Family Services, Inc.

Post Office Box 2421, Kingston, NY 12402

Crossroad Women and Family Services, Inc.

"Transforming the Lives of Women Who Transform their World"

Healing Beyond Childhood Trauma

Did you know that most people in the US have at least one ACE? ACE's are adverse childhood experiences that not only causes harm to the brain of children it changes they way they respond to the stresses of life, compromises their immune systems and causes other chronic health conditions over their lifetime. According to a CDC Kaiser Permanente ACE Study childhood trauma and ACE places people at risk for depression, chronic diseases, mental illness, financial problems, social problems and becoming a victim of violence and sexual crimes.

Other ACE surveys have expanded the types of ACE's and those findings while not surprising are also noted below. Below are traumatic experiences linked to social, financial, mental, emotional and physical problems. 

1. A family member who is diagnosed with a mental illness or depressed.

2. Witnessing a mother being abused.

3.A family member who is addicted to drugs or alcohol.

4. Physical, sexual and verbal abuse.

5. A family member who is in prison.

6. Parental separation or divorce.

7. Physical or emotional neglect.

8. Living in an unsafe neighborhood.

9. Experiencing or witnessing racism.

10. Witnessing violence outside of the home.

11. Involvement with the foster care system.

12. Losing a family member due to deportation.

13. Witnessing a father being abused by a mother.

14.Living in a war zone.

15.Being bullied by a peer or adult.

If you have one or more ACE's you are not alone. Research shows that nearly two-third of adults have at least one. Additionally, the scores are even more revealing. For example people with an ACE score of 4 are twice as likely to smoke and seven times more likely to struggle with alcoholism addiction. Additionally, a score of 4 or more is likely to increase the risk of chronic diseases such as emphysema or chronic bronchitis by 400 percent, while also increasing the risk for attempted suicide by 1200. ACE's is also linked to chronic workplace absenteeism, ER visits, mental illness, criminal justice involvement and increased healthcare costs. 

The higher the ACE score the more likely it is that people with these scores have more marriages, violence, drug prescriptions, increased risk for broken bones, greater struggles with depression and autoimmune diseases. Studies show that the life span of individuals with an ACE score 6 or higher are at risk for being shortened by 20 years.

The impact of childhood traumatic experiences doesn't just go away as people age. Rather, what a person has lived through directly or indirectly leaves bits and pieces. Harmful traces of the past that keeps showing up has the ability to be passed down from one generation to the next causing generational cycles of unhealed trauma and strongholds.

While the brain does not know the difference between one kind of traumatic experienced and toxic stress from the other we are not stuck with stressed out brains, painful memories, chronic diseases, mental illness or substance abuse. 

It's essential that people receive an effective diagnosis from an effective team of caring medical professionals who can create qualified treatment plan so the journey to healing and recovery can begin. 

Wishing you health and wellness,

Patrina M Torres, Founder, Totally Healed International 

NCCA Certified Temperament Counselor, Certified Instructor 

School of Counseling, S.A.C.C. Certified Academic Institution


Email: [email protected]


My Blog


Break free from the affair!

Posted on August 7, 2015 at 4:18 PM
Dear Friend,

I would like to introduce you to Dr. Bob Huizenga, a Marriage and Family Therapist and colleague who specializes in working with couples dealing with the infidelity. The pain of infidelity is deep.While every situation is unique because no two people are the same hope, help and healing is necessary for a BREAKTHROUGH . If you or someone you know is going through marital challenges, please feel free to share this article. We want you to know that hope, help and healing is available. 

Here's Dr. Huizenga Article:

Infidelity changes one's life - dramatically. Infidelity and an extramarital affair change the flow and course of a marriage or relationship - dramatically.

And, the changes brought about by infidelity differ from person to person and couple to couple, depending on strengths, coping patterns, history, temperament and other factors for the person
and the relationship, including which of 7 types of affairs is operative.

To learn more about the 7 types of affairs go to:

Let's look at some of those changes and think about getting HELP!

It is extremely common to hear from my coaching clients: "I NEVER thought this would happen to me (us.) A great number of people, at some point in the beginning of the relationship agree that it will never happen to them. At that point, it's beyond their realm of possibility.

And, so expectations are built and entrenched in concrete. Their picture of their relationship excludes even the remote possibility of one person "straying."

And when marital affairs happen, worlds (expectations) are shattered and many wonder what is left.

Case study #1:

Most of what I think about now and spend most of my time thinking about is...Why? How could he do this to me? To us? I NEVER EVER thought this would happen! 

On rough days, unfortunately which is still most days, I feel like a failure. A worthless fool. I had always felt I/we knew what our life was and where I/we wanted to go in our life together. Now there are times when I feel our whole life together was a lie. I'm afraid I will spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder and never really letting him in again. Although we are trying to put his affair behind us I don't know if we will ever get back even close to what we had, or should I say what I thought we had.

Then there is the sexual tension created by the affair. And, the almost inevitable sexual comparison with the other person. If sex has been a focal point of the affair, the comparison takes on a new life.

Case Study #2:

The EXTREMELY LURID nature of my wife's affair has left me with a shattered self esteem and trust is 
out of the question. Even though we've reconciled and she has been in intense treatment with a therapist, I have a very difficult time becoming intimate. The other person is still on my mind 8 months later and resentment still runs very deep. I keep thinking about the signs of cheating. I still feel I'm living a nightmare, hoping at any moment, I'll wake up.

To discover the secret to ending your emotional pain triggered by the affair, go to:

Case Study #3:

I feel like I'm being judged by my performance in bed by how she was with him. She was 17 yrs younger than me so my appearance is being critiqued in my head and compared to how she looks. I'm afraid if I don't do what he wants he'll walk out again always scared he's secretly still seeing her or thinking about her when we are intimate.

Infidelity changes the "contract" or rules of engagement for the marriage or relationship.

When we initiate a relationship we consciously but mostly unconsciously "agree" to particular roles, responsibilities, actions and ways of responding to each other and circumstances.

Marriages move along for a period of time and they work. Both follow through on what they agreed upon at the onset of the marriage.

The strengths of each are honored and used in the relationships. The weaknesses of each are either ignored or seen as a point of amusement.

In the following case study, the woman assumed the "responsible" role in the relationship. She most often was the glue that held relationship together.

She initiated and followed through on necessary conversations and took the lead in problem solving.

He, on the other hand, was most likely a fun person to be with. He probably knew how to play well and she admired that characteristic and complimented her "responsible" part.

And then the signs of adultery.

The relationship is feeling the strain of her changing the roles. She wants to move out of her old role. But the tension of that movement is intense. It appears he is clueless about these changes and prefers to go back to the way it was.

Case Study #4:

I feel betrayed and punished for asking my husband something he does not want to give (attention and responsibility). I don't want to tell him everything I do. I don't want to be the reliable one anymore. He is much more attentive but I don't see him as I did before. I know he's a good person and just "can't say no" but I lost admiration for him. 

As I work at home, after a year I have decided to try to go out more and try to meet other people. I attend networking meetings for my business. This is nice. I try to do more things for myself. I also try to look my best when we are together. I often get depressed because he doesn't want to talk about the problem, and I am afraid he is still with the other person since he works in NY and I am in Europe. But I don't see myself with another person. I still love him and sometimes I feel bad for not being able to leave him.

Infidelity, whether is be emotional, sexual or internet cheating disrupts, no, it's more like throws a hammer into, the marriage or relationship.

Infidelity in a marriage or relationship demands that new structures, new rules, new ways of thinking and acting with each other be initiated.

Of course there is tension in the process. (Gold is refined through intense heat.)

But, there are also huge possibilities for redesign and a new configuration for one's inner life and life together.

For more information on how to deal with your infidelity pain and go to:

Wishing you the best,
Patrina Wright

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